On Being the Mommy of a Two Year Old

I'm writing this as she's beginning a tantrum. Though it seems short lived. She wants a popsicle. We have a policy ("One per customer, per day," as my dad says). She knows this policy. She's had two today. Could explain the current attitude. Possibly. I'm not ready for the terrible two. Better yet, I'm not ready to be a full time student and the mother of a two year old. I am experiencing some great "What if's" right now as it's difficult to find a moment to carry all my groceries inside. But all that aside, I'm still not ready. I've had over two years to prepare for this. I haven't read enough books. Babysat enough kids. Done any case studies. What do I do if my neighbor turns me in to DFS while she's throwing a fit? Smile and try to talk my way out of it? I'm sure we'll be fine. But good Lord Almighty; where does the time go?

Hide and Seek

This game is becoming more and more a part my adult life... Madeline LOVES to play this at Grandma and Grandpa's (there are more places to hide, of course). Especially in the kitchen...





Here is our new favorite hair style... Okay, Mine! She HATES having her hair brushed or put in a pony or ANYTHING, but it looks cute when she lets me...

My Allergies just make me sneeze...

But Madeline's allergies make her a rare spotted toddler. The kind you see on the Discovery Channel... okay, maybe not that bad. But for those of you with children or those of you who want to have children... do NOT use adult sun screen on a (almost) two year old. Especially if she won't swallow liquid Benedryl. Just for future reference.

Life's Not Fair

This is my dad's favorite cliche for me. He says it everytime I complain to him about something, but it's probably the best advice anyone could go by. No matter how many laws we have, no matter how many people we have to uphold them, in our lives we will feel cheated; we will feel that someone less deserving than we got the "gold," if you will.

My younger brother and I are fairly close, as siblings go. We try to watch out for each other and talk on a weekly (or bi-weekly) basis. Every now and again, we go fun places like Wal-Mart. In the past 2+ years, we've been to Wal-Mart together quite a few times. He went there with me a few times when I was pregnant, and now sometimes we go with my daughter... Sometimes people mistake us for a couple, but they are swiftly corrected and embarrassed. I'd say that we are known to :many: (as many goes around here) by being the children of local business owners. It has its rewards and drawbacks. We both know lots of kids and parents also through the Christian school we attended through eighth grade. Two years ago, I was mostly belly and all hormones. Matthew and I went to Wal-Mart to grab something for our mother (he was a senior in high school at the time). We walked by a mother of a girl that Matthew had gone to school with all the way through at the Christian school. She said hi to him and walked away. I (even with as hormonal as I was) didn't think a thing of it. Matthew told me later that that same mother nearly ALWAYS stopped and talked to him at places like Wal-Mart. I was almost offended. I was offended when it happened again after I had my baby, the same mother mind you.

Now, I have had tremendously wonderful outreach from my church and my Christian friends. But it's the Christian acquaintances who have not been nice to me since my pregnancy. It's the friends of friends who make comments to my mother and my brother who really make life not fair. It's the little ripples that one pregnancy (which is no one's business but my own; I'm the one who has to take it up with God) that really, really irk me. These ripples make me want to say, "I hope that makes you less of a sinner than I am," out of spite.

I am human, and I do make mistakes. I will always make mistakes; no matter how hard I try to be like Christ. But, "Life's not fair." And I must go on.

[Insert Fanfare Here]

This is my 100th post. I'm also edging on one whole year as a "blogger." Craziness. I was thinking that I would have something earth shattering to write, but alas, nothing much new. I have gotten some "sad" responses when I tell people that I am moving 45 minutes away from my current home. IT'S 45 MINUTES! And, the people that have said anything, I DON'T SEE NOW. I'm am extremely excited about taking this step into a new life. Don't burst my bubble, People. Okay, It's no one in blogger world. It's the real world that's popping my bubble and not looking back. But then, isn't that always the way? It's the real world that kicks your butt? Okay, that was supposed to be a little funny, but it wasn't. Sorry about that.

I have one short story to finish and an aesthetics paper to write in the next week and a half. I have no freakin' clue what to write my aesthetics paper on. I was thinking something along the lines of Grammar in America's Colleges and Universities, but my teacher made a big deal about "Whose Grammar? Yours or the Queen's?" So, now, I don't have a clue.

In other news, I'm positive that the terrible two's are coming soon... more on that in less than a month...

In other, other news, I'm getting a bicycle sometime in the near future (for sure). I'm planning on living close enough to campus to ride to school in The Burg and to the park from our apartment in the mean time. I already have the cute little helments and stuff!

Last (but not least), Happy Birthday to my dear (twenty-something) friend, Krystle. Hope you have a great day... see you Saturday.

Re: Fall 2006, and the Rest of This Mom's Life

Apparently, the state of Missouri (or at least CMSU) wants poor people to go to school. I got enough financial aid to go and be comfortable with the decision. I'm so, so excited and relieved about this. I am going to pursue my dream to become a teacher, and quickly. I could be done in a year and a half, though I may make it a full two years to make job hunting easier on the both of us. So, you're looking at (well, I guess you can't see me, but you know what I mean) a full time student starting August 2006. More excited than I can express in writing. Which says an abundance--I'm an English major, after all.

Post #98... Re: Fall 2006

I had my Psychology class last night. It went very well. I'm really hoping to study my butt off and ace that class too. That would be great. Greater than great for my GPA too. My teacher is not making us come the last week of class. We will have our final on the 26th and the class on May 3rd is optional to see how we did. Very cool. He let us out early after the review last night. I got to my mom and dad's to find that they were still at church. I snagged some of their food and found the mail. I received a very thin letter from CMSU (rarely good news). I put off opening it until after I ate something.

All that was in it was instructions to access my financial aid information for the upcoming school year on line. Ok, ten steps. I managed to get my dad's wireless to work for that long, and....

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wait for it...

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pause...

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this was, after all the news I'd been waiting for...

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to decide whether or not to go full time...

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and since I'm milking it...

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what do you think happened next?

It's in the Little Things

Me: achoo-achoo-ach00-achoo [note: yes, that a normal Rachel sneeze]

Madeline: Bless-you!

***

Saturday: I couldn't sleep in, but Madeline did. I was getting dressed... all of a sudden I see her head PoP out of the covers, "Hi, Momma!"

"Hi, Madeline!"

"Sleepin'?"

"Were you sleeping?"

"Yeah."

"Did you sleep okay?"

"Yeah."

"Good Morning, Maddie."

"Morning, Mommeeee."

***
"Momma? Momma? Momma?"

"Madeline? Madeline? Madeline?"

"Blues Clues!"

"Do you want to go to Grandma and Grandpa's or watch Blues Clues?"

"Grandpa?"

"Yes, which do you want to do?"

"Grandpa."

"Okay."

"Momma?"

"Madeline?"

"Blues Clues?"

***

My Niece looking at Madeline's new pictures: "OOh, Aunt Rachel, Madeline's pretty!"

"Yes, and you and brother are good-looking kids too, Samantha."

"No, I'm beautiful, and brother's handsome, Rachel."

"Yes, that's right, Samantha."

***

Thursday or Friday, I went to my parents house to give my mom a break, or at least try. I end up carrying Madeline for some fit-throwing reason or another. Daniel (my nephew) says, "Rachel, Madeline's a baby."

"I think she's too heavy to be a baby, Daniel."

"Oh."

First thing he says to his mother after hello when they return from business trip? "Mom, Madeline's not a baby anymore."

***

I was thinking on the way home Saturday night that I needed to get my eyes checked. It's been awhile and the night time is starting to bother me. I was thinking, I'll do it when I get back on some insurance. Then it dawned on me suddenly that I may never have optical insurance. I don't know where that came from, but it hit me hard.

***

I should know this week about school for sure... Oh, I want so badly to go full time...

***

I joined eHarmony a while back... I've reached open communication with one guy... weird way to meet people I know... but at this point... I don't feel like I have a choice.

***

Went to McDonald's with Grandma and Madeline for dinner one night. Madeline and I both had chicken McNuggets and fries. About half-way through the meal... she reaches over and snatched one of my chicken nuggets and goes one eating. It was really comical because I didn't even see it, my mom did.

***

Well, that's all the humor and seriousness I have for this morning... other than, my professor is going to be critiquing stories in front of the class tonight (mine included). Thinking about it is giving my an ulcer... pray for that. Thanks.

"There Goes My Life"

I was freshly 20 and starting a new fall semester at Northwest Missouri State University. I had just gotten my own apartment in May and was very excited about living so close to campus. I didn't have a great summer or a boring summer; I was looking forward to get a kick into the new school year. I had a rough spring semester before that (bad break-up, dorms... That's another story). I had been on a few dates with Chris and was looking forward to breaking that off at the start of the new semester... My sister in law was due soon with her second child. A girl.

I remember that a couple of weeks into the semester it was harder and harder for me get out of bed and make myself go to school. I felt like I had the flu. I was working quite a few hours at Sonic so the fatigue was easily dismissed. I asked for fewer hours. Then suddenly as a car-hop I started noticing all the babies in the cars I was "hopping" to. I remember one baby boy with a mirror on his rear-facing car seat and thought about how cute that was. He stared at me while I brought his parents their food. It dawned on me as a possibility at that moment, but again dismissed. My lovely niece was born on September 18, 2003. The first time I held her, I knew I was pregnant. I don't know how. I was only 4 or 5 weeks at that point, but I knew I was pregnant as soon as her tiny body cuddled up to me. I still dismissed it though as some sort of weird getting older-not-being-a-teen-anymore thing.

A couple of weeks later, the thought wouldn't go away (and I had missed my period). I was home for a weekend. I was really worried about it. Krystle and I were hanging out... We decided to find out for sure. I was really low on cash, but had just gotten a gift card from my dear friend Jessica for my birthday in August from Target. So, to Target we went. I bought a pregnancy test and a skirt**... We took the box to the Wal-Mart in Harrisonville where I took the test. It was positive right away. I don't remember if I cried right then or not, but I remember telling Krystle that I wouldn't tell my parents until I'd been to the doctor.

I made an appointment at the college health clinic. I sat nervously in the waiting room. A nurse ushered me in and gave me "the cup." I waited in the exam room. She came in looking grave. She confirmed what the Target test had said. She talked to me about what I would do next. She gave me a brochure to the local Planned Parenthood, and I remember shaking me head "No" through the tears. She said,

"I didn't think that you would want that."

She didn't even know me. I told her that I was going to tell my parents the following weekend. I left.

The following week my cell phone rang; it was that nurse. She asked me how it went with my parents and if I was feeling okay. It really meant a great deal to me that she took that time out for me. Someone she didn't even know.

On May 17, 2004 Madeline Grace was born. The best day of my life.

**The skirt I bought was mostly to hide the pregnancy test on the way to the check-out. Turns out, it was a maternity skirt. I didn't even know it.