Jaded

I'm updating with a lack of enthusiasm today. I'm not in the mood for a "Love Day." I just want to be wearing a big "Bite Me!" sign on my chest. I have said for a little while now, that I don't need someone to be happy. And I don't. I don't have time (or time to make time) for someone in my life. But celebrating "Love" and "Relationships" and all the mushy stuff that goes with it makes me sad that I'm not doing things the "right" way for Madeline. I'm not married (and I won't ever be to her dad), and don't really have anyone lined up to give her life more "normalcy" (as if that really exists).

In fact, I am deeply thinking and praying about a decision that would take her out of the normal realm that she knows right now, and put us both someplace else... Warrensbug. I have meetings on Thursday to go over everything for the possibility of going to school full time this coming fall and living off loans, grants, and WIC (and maybe a part time job). But I really want to do well this time around so I don't want to work, raising Madeline will be quite enough, I think. If I go full time and through this summer, I will be done in 2008 (if not sooner). Madeline will be four about the time I would graduate, and not in kindergarten yet so I can have a chance to move her to wherever I get a job and start her someplace great. Thinking about all this makes my stomach churn. Well... back to work, lunch time is over...