Blah Blah, blah,blah,blah...

Toungue tied and hating it. I'm ready for a break from speaking. Maybe that's why I can be shy sometime, because I really can't talk that long! :) Have a great weekend... Pray for my sanity, my nephew and niece will be staying the night tomorrow night. Hee hee.

PS-- I'm planning a party for Maddie, details soon!

Hurry up and WAIT

Allergy season has hit me a little harder this year than usual... I know my body is different now than it used to be, but seriously it's not been good. I have already had at least 2 miserable weeks (off and on) of sneezing, etc. Then coughing and a sore throat and all the voice loss that I can only dream of. I decided finally to go to the doctor today.

My appointment was at 8:30; I arrived on time (for once) at 8:15 to fill out 5 minutes of paper- work only to wait until (after watching nearly everyone that arrived after I did, get in before I did) 8:50 to enter the examination room. The LPN noted my weight out loud (thanks for that), took my temperature, then my BP. All normal (except maybe the weight). Then she proceeds to tell me that the doctor has one more patient before she can even get to me. Nice. So, I text and play games on my phone until 9:05 when the doctor enters the room. This was the first time I'd seen her. I'm glad she had a wonderful attitude, otherwise, would have been rather irritated. But she was great (even perky) and told me I have a sinus infection and bronchitis, neither of which are surprising gave me samples of allergy meds and anti-biotics to try and prescribed some cough medicine that will keep me (and Mad) asleep at night. I was very happy with her, but not with waiting nearly an hour to see her. How can one be that behind schedule that early in the morning? If there was an emergency, that's acceptable, but 50 minutes for a 5 minute appointment? To tell me something I already knew? Not high on my list of things to do first thing in the morning.

AND-- I still had to shell out $35 with my co-pays this morning. I pay $50/month for insurance, this is the 2nd time I've gone to the doctor since I got my own insurance. Now, I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it. But in case of emergency, I guess it is.

Playing Pool with Boys

So I put a call into my financial aide counselor on Thursday to no avail... No call back yet... I need to know whether or not I am ever going to get to school. But maybe today she'll call me. Maybe today.

This weekend was very recuperative (is that a word? I guess so if spell check didn't change it) for me... I cleaned on Saturday and got my room into a halfway organized state. At least a state that won't drive me or my mother batty (or battier, I should say). Sunday, Maddie and I curled up for a 3 1/2 hour nap after lunch. It was wonderful, just wonderful.

I played pool with a guy friend on Saturday; if you're guessing the only guy you've seen me with in the last year, yes, that's him. He came over to play pool after Miss Mad went to bed (I won, best 2 out of 3!!). Anyway, I am helping him look for a house in the KC area, but he wants one for a very little price... I am thinking that I should ask a commission, seriously. I have spent at least a couple of hours looking and that's just on MLS on-line, let alone what I have looked up in newspapers. Not to mention that he is not even "seriously" looking yet. I'll probobly be driving around with him then giving him my opinion. Men are so helpless. But get this, Friday he calls me to see what I've found (like I have free time at my finger tips); I tell him that I found several houses in Independence that may or may not be former meth houses (but may at least be next door). Then made a crack that I didn't care, I wasn't looking for myself anyway. Silence. Then, "Well, you might be." What the hell does that mean? And girls give mixed signals. Yeah, right. But kicking his butt at pool was fun.

Another week...

So, I opened an email that said "Just a Quick Test" today from my cousin Kim. It was a personality test: out these in order, what does this remind you of... Things like that. But I didn't like the answers. I know that it's just a stupid internet forward, but can it really reveal anything about me? It said pride is first in my life and a certain color meant that I "really love" someone who I think I just care about (and most of the time, I don't even want to do that). Who comes up with these things? Seriously?

Last night, my darling nephew and niece were at my house... I am so hoping that my daughter won't be that hyper in a year or two, I am exhausted and I didn't do that much chasing around. My niece can climb anything (and I do mean anything). My nephew is very rambunctious to say the least. I love them both very much, but thank the Lord, they're not mine.

PS-- Happy Early 21st Birthday, Danielle!

"Today is the Beginning of the Rest of Your Life.."

Am I the only one who hates it when people say that? I want to rant back that, yes! Indeed, today, like every other day, is the beginning of the rest of my life. Then I think a little harder about it on the days that I cannot pull myself out of bed in time to be at work by 8 sharp and wonder Is this really how the rest will be?

Today, I over slept. My allergies are HORRIBLE, and my sinuses have drained causing a raspy voice and an uninviting cough. Ugh. Also, today: Madeline and I are going to someplace in KC to get "genetic testing." I filed for child support a while back and now I have to get my cheek swabbed on an ordinary Wednesday at 1:30 in the afternoon. And it's not like a normal appointment that I can change to a Friday afternoon, no. It was set by the state, and who am I to argue? I am having second thoughts now though... What if... well, we won't go there

Hindsight is 20/20

I cannot tell you how many times I have either thought this or heard it in the last year and a half. It's been a wild ride, but Madeline Grace has officially made it 11 months on this earth, and almost everyday, I'm reminded of the hindsight perfect vision phenomenon.

The first time I really ever heard anyone use the phrase (at least when I was paying attention) was on a Friday night when I still lived in Maryville and soon after my family heard about my pregnancy. I was leaving the movies with a gal pal when my older brother called me. He wanted to assure me that he would be there for me and do anything that he could when the baby got here. I am pretty positive that he had been sipping a beer or two because he kept repeating the phrase "I know hindsight is 20/20." Over and over and over. And Over. I was listening but still trying to get him off the phone. I was supposed to go to dinner with my friend and his beer seemed to be extra supportive. Point of the story: every time I hear the phrase, I remember that friends and family are always there when you need them, even if whatever happened was pretty major and potentially scare them away.

I have also been thinking about the "mistakes" we make in life. (Madeline is in no way a mistake, only a surprise...) Especially since my grandpa had his surgery. I was thinking, if he had it to do all over again, would he have started smoking at 15?

Would we all be more careful driving down the road if we thought that we could in an instant take a person's life? My family and I drove by a horrible car accident on the way to see my grandpa this weekend. It was on I-29, just south of the airport. We heard about it later on the news. A man, his (pregnant) wife and three-year old had pulled over on the right hand shoulder to secure whatever was in the back of the pick-up when a shuttle van (no doubt going over 70 mph) slammed into the back and side (where the man was standing) and sent the truck into the ravine beside the highway. We saw the shuttle van was pretty torn up, and one of the passengers is reported to have injuries. The man lost his life. The woman lost her husband. The little boy lost his father. And the unborn child...

All in an instant of probable carelessness.

We've all lost and made mistakes and choices that will affect the rest of our lives, but when hindsight is 20/20, when we look back, will it all be worth it? I hope it is for you.

PS--- Grandpa is doing great under the circumstances... He's going home today, which is wonderful. He has microscopic cancer cells in his lymph nodes and will be going through some chemo and radiation. But all will be well soon.

Pss-- here's part of an e-mail I recieved, I thought it went well..

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. * Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. * Never buy a car you can't push. * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on. * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. * The second mouse gets the cheese. * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. * You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. * Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box. * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

It's FRIDAY!

I am not sure if I can handle another day of drama. I am sooo very glad it's the weekend so I can start anew on Monday. It's been a long, busy week... I don't know sometimes how people ever get anything done!

Update: My grandpa is healing wonderfully. He is still in the hospital, but recovering at an unbelievable pace. His regular doctor even went to get a second doctor to see the progress he's made about getting around already.

It just proves (again) that prayer works.

Everyone, have a wonderful weekend. Enjoy the gorgeous weather while it lasts!! And, here's to hoping that next week is better than the last!

Grandpa, grandpa

***EDITED***

As some of you may know, my grandfather on my mother's side lost the battle with lung cancer and emphazima on Feb. 23, 2000... what's this got to do with anything? My grandfather on my dad's side is having surgery this morn to hopefully remove a tumor and part of his right lung. He also has emphazima (forgive me if that's not spelled correctly, not one of my strong suites) and only has 50% use of his lungs right now. This grandpa has been a farmer his entire life (which has been a contributing factor) and only now has he had to give it up at the age of 71. I am posting this as a former habitual smoker and daughter of two former smokers and granddaughter, etc, etc. You may think that smoking doesn't affect anyone but you, but you'd be exceedingly wrong. I think this has all come into perspective for me within the last year or so, but there's always someone that loves you and wants you there. Don't hurt yourself more than you need to... live because someone wants you to live; I want you to live.

Facts:

• 19% of Americans smoke
• 95% of the lung cancer is accounted for by smokers (or former smokers)
• My granfather figured that he had smoked about 720,000 cigarettes over the last 55 years; he quit about 6 months ago.
• There are still at least 8 people on my dad's side that smoke, ummm, hello?

And you? Don't even think about it!!

http://www.lungcancer.org/

http://www.lungusa.org/site/pp.asp?c=dvLUK9O0E&b=22542

***Grandpa came through surgery and is in recovery*** more info as I get it!!***

Pensively I sit...

Some days, I wake up and think,

it's all a dream.

Not like my life has been a nightmare, but in that way that you woke up the day after your high school graduation and thought about where life was taking you. Some days, for me it's difficult to grasp the reality. I wake up and wonder, what the hell am I thinking? Who's baby is this? Then she wakes up, rolls over, stretches like a cat, looks up at me, smiles, then sits up to plant a slobbery kiss on my face and I know it hasn't been a dream. It's all very, very real and there's no stopping it or going back. I only kiss her back (though, without the same amount of saliva) and say, "Good morning, my Maddie, good morning." I love her, but since she has entered my life; the hands of time are no longer on my side. Whoever said that children keep you young is terribly misinformed. I feel at least twice my age most days, and that I'll never be able to keep up. Then I think that I have about 20 more years of hand holding and picking her up when she falls on her backside, and wonder how any mother can ever be a good one. It probably doesn't help that I feel abandoned in the reality of single parenthood. Sure I have a wonderful, terrific, out of this world support system of friends and family, but still no one to offer empathy. And some seem to still expect the same amount of time and energy that I possessed before my baby who stretches like a cat came into the world. But that statement is not limited to "friends" not does it include all "friends;" that statement specifically includes my mother for expecting things to be done her way all the time even when I believe that the whimpering babe in the other room needs her mother's attention, not always grandpa's. But, alas, c'est la vive (pour maintenant). It all still seems very surreal, except maybe when I'm changing an unpleasantly scented diaper, that always hits me as reality. It's not surreal in a bad way, like I want to run or anything,

just surreal.

Building...

Look to the tool bar on the right of your screen and see that I added an album. So far, only 4 out-dated picutes of my daughter, but I have more to load onto my computer... Also, notice at the bottom of your screen an afterthought that you may learn something today with what happened today in history, or something like that. I have some Wizard of Oz pics (surprised? you shouldn't be) that I am going to try to get in here soon too... it's all coming together... and, it's almost Friday!!! YEA!! Have a great day, see some of you soon, others... well, just have a great day... :)

Take classes? A second job?

I have been working with an advisor from University of Phoenix in KC to try to get set up for evening classes one night a week. I am very nervous about taking classes and working full time and being a good mom. But without an education I may live in my parents' basement forever.... AHHHHHH. I am hoping this is a big chance and it will all work out... I don't feel like this is something that I can afford to fail at (again). But they don't have the major I want, just the convience and promise they can help me get a teaching certificate when I have a degree...

I have also been considering getting a part-time weekend job (especially since seeing the marquee at Sonic Peculiar saying, "Now Hiring"); I can be a carhop againand make decent tips, but then I'll never get to see Miss Maddie, and my mother will have even more control of the situation as she will probably be babysitting quite a bit...

"There Goes My Life"

A song for my daughter. I thought my life was over turns out, it's only begun!

This is a new thing for me to try to get some real conversation that isn't with my 10 1/2 month old daughter, to express my thoughts and frustrations and let all my friends know that I am still here though rarely available for a conversation for more than 10-12 minutes. :) Feel free to comment anytime.

Disclaimer: I am prone to prose when life's a mess... watch out for failing poems... they will drop in every now and again.